May 30 – June 5, 2015

– Wyatt RoyThe short man from Longman considers in a podcast quiz whether he would rather Paris Hilton or Nicole Richie. For what, it was never made clear.

– Luigi SquillaciotiThe cousin of former Victorian education department boss Nino Napoli explains how he was encouraged to bill the state thousands of dollars for a hairpiece. Napoli is accused of running a $2.5 million fraud ring at the department and, presumably, of being bald.

– Scott MorrisonThe minister for social services introduces amendments to government support for young people. The modular package is called Gåtfökt Pönkts and can be accessed only with an Allen key. It takes at least four weeks to assemble.

– George BrandisThe attorney-general takes time out from cretinising the arts and reversing the onus of proof to praise The Saturday Paper in senate estimates. For reasons of space and self-regard, this quote does not appear in its entirety.

– Diego MaradonaThe soccer great celebrates the arrest of nine FIFA officials on corruption charges. Because the only thing rigging football matches should be the Hand of God. Or cocaine. Or ephedrine.

– Paul BreretonThe Supreme Court justice appoints Gina Rinehart’s eldest daughter, Bianca, to control the $4 billion family trust, noting the characteristics that prepare her for the role. “Former trustee” is an exceedingly polite way of saying “mother”.