May 27 – June 3, 2016
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Life
The magic of pro wrestling
Punishing bouts of local pro wrestling offer the purity of ordinary – if unusually solid – people entertaining crowds hungry for heroic stories.
The Quiz
Quotes
QUARANTINE
“He looks somehow inbred with a tomato.”
The actor expresses his concern over Barnaby Joyce’s colouring and the fact many people think he is a vegetable when he is actually a fruit.
ANIMALS
“Once they are rescued, we will obviously be reviewing in detail what happened and if protocols or procedures need to be updated as a result of this.”
The spokeswoman for the Toronto parks department reflects on the escape of two capybaras from the city’s zoo. At time of writing, the enormous rodents were still at large.
LEADERSHIP
“Bill Shorten is very caring and very much in touch. Bill Shorten, every single day, is promoting our national economic plan for jobs and growth.”
The finance minister confuses Bill Shorten with Malcolm Turnbull. Which is more or less what Labor hopes will happen on election day.
CANDIDATES
“I don’t need to be a sacrificial lamb travelling very steep inclines that are yet to be fixed.”
The Liberal candidate for the seat of Whitlam quits under the weight of mixed metaphor. She said she felt like a general without troops and that the successful candidate would need to “leverage” a “very divided government on a knife-edge”.
BOATS
“When we closed down the live animal export industry, it was around about the same time that we started seeing a lot of people arriving in boats.”
The deputy prime minister links the ban on live cattle exports to asylum-seeker flows, implying this was Indonesia’s retaliation. He sees the whole world from the back of a heifer.
BRIEFINGS
“The… Well, we’ve… the baby bonus? You’d have to refer to our relevant shadow. I’ve been a little distracted over the last few days.”
The Labor frontbencher fails to recall whether his party is keeping the schoolkids bonus. It is worth $4.48 billion, which would buy several investment properties.
